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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Apple Will Ruin the World

image A very startling realization came to me yesterday: Pixar Animations Studios has prophesized that Apple Computer will spell the end of Planet Earth.

By now, you’ve likely seen the movie Wall-E. The story takes place 700 years into the future where humans have lived in the outer reaches of space for several centuries, mostly unaware of the plight of the planet they once called home.

We are introduced to the main character and join him as he makes his way through a typical day, compacting garbage, making building replicas and collecting interesting bits of junk.


So…what is Apple’s part in world devestation?

You might be wondering how this ties into my theory. Who cares if a little robot is left here to clean up our mess? And what does that have anything to do with Apple? Well, let’s look at it from another angle:

  • Why did the humans leave Earth? There was too much garbage.
  • Why was there too much garbage? Because Buy-n-Large convinced consumers to buy into a perpetual model of perceived obsolescence (“Wear red, it’s the new blue!”). Everyone replaced everything without caring about anything. Buy-n-Large had them trained perfectly.
  • How did Wall-E learn about humans? He watched videos rigged up with an iPod.
  • Did he know a lot about iPods? Of course, he had it wired up to not only view stored content, but indirect input from VHS tapes and players. This cat had intricate knowledge of the device…he almost knew it’s inner workings too well…
  • Did he have a deeper connection to iPods at all? Well, maybe not, but he makes the Apple start-up sound when he wakes up.
  • Wait! The Apple start-up sound? Yes, one in the same.
  • But I thought Buy-n-Large made all the Wall-E units to clean up planet Earth?!

…and then BANG! You get it! Apple IS Buy-n-Large. Just as many people I know are on their second, third (or more) iPod or iPhone, Apple is already convincing people that the things they buy are legacy the moment it comes home.

It’s easy to see what would happen to Earth if Apple becomes the conglomerate, all-goods store that they do in the movie Wall-E. People already buy into their model of things becoming junk in just months or years.

image Long gone is a time when people would patch jeans or take shoes to a repair shop. There’s a whole new class of disposable electronics – DVD players, ink-jet printers, MP3 players – and we’re pretty much headed on a crash-course with garbage overload.

Just as Pixar suggests, with Apple hiding behind a name as blatantly anti-Earth as “Buy-n-Large”, by purchasing Mac Products you will help Steve Jobs bring an end to this planet.

There, glad I got that off my chest.


…and by the way, this is the most tongue-in-cheekiest post I’ve ever made. Play along, it’s just for fun! ;o)


  1. Mister James.

    The Apple logo is a silver Apple.
    The Windows logo is RED, BLUE, green, and yellow...

    Notice the Buy-N-Large logo... Red? Blue?... I see a connection.

    Therefore: The truth is that Windows will melt down to a red and blue logo, and to continue receiving business (because at this point they are obsolete due to Apple's "great success!!") they change the name of their company to Buy-N-Large due to having to buy a large quantity of a thousand PC computers a year to keep up-to-date and virus free.

    Snap. Crackle. Pop.

    Your theory is now parallel to the success of PC.
    ... DEAD.

  2. Oh, poor, silly Mel. Don't you see the truth? Hiding the original colors of their logo and hiding behind the new mirror version is aaaaallllll in their plan.

    It's all so obvious!

    If you look in a mirror, what do you see? YOU! That's right! If Apple has you seeing yourself in their products, your belief in them will increase.

    "It can't be bad! This *must* be a good product!"

    Poor, simple, Mel. They have you already in their menacing grips, and you don't even see it...